10 Years since my Grandfather passed away …

10 Years….It’s been ten years since my Grandfather, John passed away from Metastatic Bladder Cancer. Two hours. Two hours of me, just staring at my computer, trying to think of the right words. How I’d like to honor him on this day. Except I can't. My body becomes numb and paralyzed. We miss him everyday. But it’s moments like this that we realize just how big that void is. Our Life will never ever be the same. There is no end to this loss. You don't just lose someone once, you lose them every day, for a lifetime.

Everyday, I try to honor my Grandfather. I advocate for others and always talk about him to everyone, especially the kids. I will never stop talking about him. My Grandfather John was an incredible human being who loved everyone. People say in time you will heal, that the pain will lessen every day. But honestly, time doesn't heal. That’s complete bs to be completely honest and it frustrates me when people say that to people that lost someone in their life.  It never ever gets easier that someone passes away. I honestly feel that those that say that never experienced a loss in their life. I hope this message is consuming to you. For me, that means you never had to experience such a deep loss and debilitating grief like my family and I have. I hope you never have to ever. 

TEN years ago, there were barely any treatments and still to this day a decade later, there is not much hope for those who have Bladder Cancer and it really saddens me. It has been a decade now, there should be more treatment options for everyone who is dealing with any type of cancer. Especially in this day and age. Technology and medical equipment is so different from ten years ago. We can do better!! We HAVE to do better!!!

Ten years living with survivor’s guilt is extremely hard and exhausting. I am still alive and my grandfather isn't. It’s one of the hardest challenges to have to deal with. Yes, I know for sure he would be angry that I feel this way. But, can I not?? He’s gone and I am here still fighting this beast. I still deal with nightmares from the day he passed and it’s so hard to deal with at times. I don’t care if people say “ it was his time.” To our family it was not his time, especially for my Grandmother. 

Papa, we all love and miss you so much. I know you would have loved my girl Dory so much. I know you would be so happy to see your great grandchild JJ playing baseball. He is incredible on the ball field. You would have been so happy if you got to meet all three kids. They have grown up so fast, especially Ava who you loved and adored. I know for sure you are watching over them even though you never met JJ, Briella and Joseph.

I truly truly believe in my gut that there's a cure for cancer for all of us out there but no one will come forward because then pharmaceutical companies, medical professionals would all be jobless. Everyone would go bankrupt too and millions of dollars for medications to stay alive is all bs to me. It's disgusting really.

Above all, never forget that life is beautiful. My Grandfather John knew this better than anyone. Our time on earth is precious so don’t waste it on things or the people that do not matter. 

PS: We are taking good care of Nannie. I know she is forever heartbroken and lost without you and it’s not easy to see her in pain. 

I love you always and forever. I promise to honor you for the rest of my life. 

Happy Heavenly 10th Birthday Papa. I love you and miss you.

🤟🏻 always and forever, your favorite Granddaughter Danielle